none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
