Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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