he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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