Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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