Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
