The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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