i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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