The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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