I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Randomize
