This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
