I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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