we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
