I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
