I've blown a few things in my day
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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