saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
