I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
