I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize