There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
