So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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