im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
