Sponge bath it is.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
