Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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