im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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