I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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