why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
