So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
