Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
