bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
