My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
