Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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