I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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