What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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