I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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