my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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