I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
