Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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