What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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