Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
