Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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