i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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