her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
