my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
