Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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