I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
