I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
