Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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