i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
