Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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