My sheets look like a crime scene.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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