Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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