Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
