He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You dont lie about slip and slides
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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