I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm like, not good at living.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
