Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
