When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
