I smell stomach acid.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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