I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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