You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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