youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
