i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
